Thinking of You
by whales and dolphins
Summary: Rin's never been good at settling for second best. post-canon, half future fish!au.


**ah hello! it's been a while lol.**

**I've been sitting on this fic for a while, and fair warning I probably won't update this too often, but I did want to get it up instead of mulling around with it for a million years.**

**this is not a happy fic. it will not be a happy fic, it's not trying to be one, you get it. it primarily focuses on broken relationships, of sorts. I don't want to give everything away, but... yeah. this is half canon/half future fish!au, it'll be obvious when you read it lol.**

**I hope you enjoy!**

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It was a disaster that no one could have seen coming.

What was supposed to be a double date of sorts at the Tachibana-Nanase residence had turned into a dinner long gone cold, one frantic phone call, two dead bodies, and two broken young men.

x

"I'll be back tonight," Sousuke says, lips pressing gently to Rin's forehead and straightening his uniform. "Meet you at Makoto and Haru's?"

"Okay," Rin replies, stealing one last peck from Sousuke's lips before sending him off to his shift patrolling the streets of Tokyo.

Not particularly interested in being alone for the next eight or so hours, Rin gets dressed in a pair of nice jeans and a button-up shirt of Sousuke's hanging loose over a t-shirt, grabs the things he'll need for the day, and heads for the train station.

The ride to Makoto and Haruka's is uneventful – Rin spends most of it staring out the window, watching the tall grey buildings whiz on by and wondering what they'll do once Sousuke returns for the evening.

To Rin's complete lack of surprise, Haruka's door is unlocked, and he pushes the door open, kicking off his shoes and announcing his entrance.

"Oi, Haru," he calls by way of greeting, stepping up into the apartment. Rin hadn't come to Haruka and Makoto's place too often, and if Rin's going to be honest with himself, it looks pretty much the same as Haruka's house had back in Iwatobi – the place is spotless, practically Spartan in its lack of décor, but Rin can see where Makoto had pushed for things his way, in the framed pictures lining one wall of the living room, two goldfish swimming in a glass bowl by the hallway, and one of Haruka's swimming trophies in a glass-fronted cabinet (Rin recognizes that one – from the last tournament they'd been at; Haruka had placed second to Rin's first, and he supposes that Haruka only lets Makoto display one trophy at a time, because he knows that in his own apartment there's a lot more where that came from.)

The apartment is also very silent, and Rin sighs, walking down the hallway, fingers trailing against the wall beside him.

"He better not be in the bath," Rin mutters, reaching the end of the hall and throwing open the door.

Lo and behold, there sits Haruka, faint wisps of steam curling around his figure, his chin perched on his knees as he looks forlornly at his plastic dolphin, bobbing in the water besides him.

Haruka turns his head to the side at the noise, flicking his bangs out of his eyes, and he regards Rin with a rather unimpressed expression (granted, Haruka never seems particularly impressed, but he looks _especially_ unimpressed right now.)

"I don't suppose you're up to anything important right now," Rin says sarcastically, and is rewarded with a squirt of water to the face for his efforts.

"Tch," he mutters, wiping his face dry with his sleeve. "Is Makoto out?"

"Yeah," Haruka says, leaning back and sinking farther into the water. "He's on shift until tonight."

"Same with Sousuke," Rin adds, but Haruka's already slipped his head under the water, leaving only the occasional bubble as a notification that someone was underneath.

Rin sighs, figuring that Haruka will come out when he's ready, and walks to the kitchen, opening the fridge absentmindedly – he hasn't eaten anything yet, and his stomach's making some rather unfriendly noises.

He all but rolls his eyes at the mackerel taking up the entire top shelf of the fridge, electing to take a few eggs and what looks like a pot of leftover miso soup out to make himself some sort of breakfast.

He puts the pot on the stove to heat up, washes some rice from the bag in the corner and sets the rice cooker up, then looks through the kitchen cupboards to see if Haruka's got a tamagoyaki pan lying around, since he's got a lot of time on his hands and he's feeling a little fancy. He manages to find one relatively easily, which surprises him, since Haruka's known for eating little else besides mackerel, rice, and bread, and Makoto's often too busy to cook, being a fireman and all.

Rin shrugs, figuring that maybe Haruka grew a little sense and realized that while he himself might enjoy eating massive amounts of fish, other people needed a little more sustenance.

Haruka comes out of the bath as Rin's finishing up making the second tamagoyaki roll, towel draped over his head and loose sweatpants slung low on his hips – Rin's not sure if he's amused or dismayed by the fact that, for once, he can't see Haruka's jammers peeking out the top of his pants.

"No shirt, no service," Rin says, brandishing a spatula briefly at Haruka before rolling up the egg, and he can practically feel Haruka rolling his eyes at him as he pads away, with a low mutter of "this is my apartment."

He comes back a minute later with a baggy t-shirt draped over his slight frame, and Rin recognizes the shirt as Makoto's (_the irony,_ he realizes, that both of them are wearing their monstrously-sized boyfriends' shirts).

"I didn't cook any mackerel," Rin grumbles in answer to Haruka's unspoken question, watching the way his eyes dart around the kitchen, as if something were missing. "You always complain when someone else cooks it, anyways, so."

Haruka's lips purse slightly, but his expression relaxes quickly, and he ducks into the fridge to pull out one of the parchment-wrapped chunks of fish, plucking his preferred grill pan off the counter with practiced ease.

Rin stifles a chuckle as he fans the tamagoyaki rolls to cool them before cutting into the first roll into even pieces.

"I heated up the miso soup, too, I hope you don't mind," Rin says, and Haruka throws a "doesn't matter," carelessly over his shoulder, flipping over his fish with a sizzle.

If Rin closed his eyes, he could imagine that this was high school all over again – it's comforting, knowing that everything has some sort of continuity to it, especially after growing up in a small town (well, besides Australia), but he wonders what things would be like if things were different.

Once Haruka's mackerel is finished, they sit down to eat with little fanfare. They don't talk, which Rin supposes is normal, since Haruka's never been the talkative type and Makoto talks enough for two, but Rin doesn't know if he'd be overstepping some sort of boundary by initiating things instead.

"Rin," Haruka says, breaking Rin out of his thoughts.

"Mm?"

"Thanks for making breakfast," he says simply, stacking up the plates. "You can go… watch TV or something. I wasn't expecting you until a lot later…"

"Sousuke got called in unexpectedly, and I didn't really want to be alone," Rin murmurs, but Haruka nods; he is rather acquainted with how well Rin does with loneliness – that is to say, not well at all.

He helps Haruka put all the plates in the sink, and makes a feeble attempt to help with the dishes that's immediately rebuffed by a glare and the wielding of a fish knife.

He walks the short distance to the living room, taking a little more care to look at the place in more detail. Most of the photos are of Haruka and Makoto, but there are also a few from their early childhood and their high school days – there's even one of both of their teams from back then, plus Gou and Seijuuro (his hand is placed none too conspicuously around her waist, and Rin's eyebrow twitches, because no matter how long ago this took place and no matter how long Gou and Seijuuro have actually been dating, she's still his little sister and he'll probably always have some sort of murderous inclination to anyone who gets too close.)

The fabric of the sofa is soft under his hands as he falls down onto it, lying down across it, one leg dangling off.

He closes his eyes, letting the soft sound of Haruka washing the dishes fill his ears, and lets his body relax, letting go of tension he didn't even know his body was carrying.

It would be a lie to say that he never worried about Sousuke – rather, he worried about Sousuke more than he worried about Gou, and that was saying a lot – because Sousuke was in potential danger of dying every day he went out to do his job.

His _job,_ Rin sighs mentally, because Sousuke just _had_ to choose the one thing that would drive Rin up the wall with worry when he wasn't there. He didn't even have to choose a job as crazy as that, not with his shoulder injury to worry about too, but Sousuke always hated feeling useless, and somehow ended up in the police academy while Rin was in Australia.

He shifts his body into a more comfortable position and dreams of Sousuke's arms wrapped around him, a reminder that even if Sousuke wasn't there in body, he was always protecting him in spirit.

x

When Rin wakes up several hours later, he finds himself watching the television, sideways and blurry.

"You're up," Haruka says as Rin pushes himself up into a sitting position and rubs his eyes. "You were out for a while."

"How long?"

"It's three in the afternoon, now."

Rin hums noncommittally, and Haruka changes the channel, although there isn't much to watch on a Saturday afternoon.

_Infomercials, lots and lots of infomercials… _Rin sighs, watching the advertisements flick by and catching tiny bits of words in the pauses between the change in channel.

_"__We interrupt this broadcast for some breaking news—"_

"Wait, stop," Rin says, just as Haruka's about to change the channel again. "That looks like a fire."

That seems to be the key word for Haruka, and his eyes light up, his body stiffening and eyes darkening.

_"__An apartment building in the Sanya district has caught on fire in the past ten minutes. Firefighters are currently working hard to put out the blaze, but the close proximity of many buildings in the area make it hard to contain the fire. A suspect has allegedly been spotted, and we've been told the police are giving chase—"_

Rin shoots up, all traces of sleep gone from his body – it couldn't be Sousuke on patrol there, could it?

The news cuts to something else, something about the stock market, but Rin's not settled, not by a long shot, and neither is Haruka.

"I'm sure he's fine," Rin says, shooting a glance at Haruka, although he doesn't seem to have heard the words.

"Don't worry," Rin says, but his voice sounds fake to his own ears. How could he tell Haruka that things would be okay when he barely believed it himself?

The colors on the television screen flash and fade intermittently, the broadcast going in one ear and out the other. Both males are glued to the screen, praying for another update, wondering when everything will be clear.

_"__More on some developing news – the suspect in the now-arson case in the Sanya district has been apprehended, but one officer has been critically wounded after being stabbed. The fire in the apartments has been contained to three buildings, but is still ablaze. Twenty-one people are being treated for mild injuries, and two people are reported to have died, although that number could change as new reports come in—"_

Rin's heart pounds, his chest burning.

It can't be Sousuke.

It can't.

There are a hundred more police officers, and what are the odds that _Sousuke_ would be the one in that area, anyways? It's got to be someone else.

Something buzzes in his pocket, followed by an obnoxious dubstep beat – Rin's phone.

Hands shaking, he manages to extricate it from his pocket with some effort, and holds it up to his ear.

_"__Is this Matsuoka Rin?"_

"Yes."

_"__Are you related to Yamazaki Sousuke?"_

Rin's blood runs cold.

"We-we're… close, yes."

_"__He's in surgery at Todai's medical center right now and is in critical condition. You should come as soon as possible."_

"I-I'll be there," he manages to stammer out, hanging up.

"Haru," he says, his voice barely a whisper, "Sousuke's in the hospital."

With some effort, Haruka wrenches his eyes away from the screen – as much as he needs to know that Makoto is safe, he knows that Rin needs him in this very moment, and for that, Rin is grateful.

They flag down a taxi, and the frenzied look in Rin's eyes seems to scare the cab driver enough into taking the fastest route available.

Haruka pays the driver as Rin bolts out the door, running for the hospital entrance.

"I'm here for Yamazaki," he says, chest heaving. "Yamazaki Sousuke."

The woman at the desk nods. "We've been expecting you. Matsuoka Rin?"

If the she was expecting a female to show up, she makes no indication of the mistaken identity. He nods, and the woman gestures for him to follow a nurse.

"He's still in surgery," she tells him, pulling up some information on a tablet. "He suffered from several deep stab wounds, but I'm not sure at the moment where exactly. It appears at least one major organ was hit."

"Oh, god," Rin mutters, sinking against a wall. "It… it can't…"

The nurse puts a hand on his shoulder. "All we can do right now is wait. Would you prefer to wait out here or go to the waiting area?"

"…do you mind if I go back out? I came with a friend and we're both a little shaken up right now."

She nods, helping him up and leading him back out. His eyes search for Haruka, and he locks on the familiar mop of black hair, sitting in front of a large screen, eyes glued to the news.

"Anything new?" Rin asks, and Haruka shakes his head.

A firefighter onscreen charges into the burning building, and if Rin squints a bit, it looks a bit like Makoto through the smoke.

"Haru," he murmurs, but Haruka's attention is fixed on the building, almost as if he believes he can teleport himself there just by staring.

The camera footage is shaky for a moment, like the cameraman is trying to figure out how best to set it on the tripod and zoom in for what will obviously be the million-dollar shot of the fireman carrying someone out heroically (and honestly, that's so very Makoto to forget the cardinal rule of rescue work – the safety of the rescuer always takes priority over than of the person being saved.)

In one shuddering, heart-stopping moment, the building quivers, then collapses in on itself.

It takes mere seconds, but Rin feels like it's an eternity, watching the wood and drywall splinter downwards into a flaming V, a great crash blaring through the boom mic.

The silence is agonizing as theirs eyes remain fixed on the screen, watching for any sign of movement, waiting for Makoto to rise from the ashes and walk out, a sheepish smile on his face like _oh, a building fell on me? I'm sorry about that, it won't happen again!_

There is nothing.

And there's no chance in hell anyone survived that, Rin thinks

Haruka's eyes are wide, his body trembling ever-so-slight, his mouth parted in a soundless scream.

"Ma…" he chokes out, fingers clenching around nothing, "koto…"

There are no tears marring the waters of his eyes, but the way his body locks in place, slight tremors wracking his limbs, screams everything louder than any sound. Rin reaches out, fingers closing just short of Haruka's (_Makoto's_) shirt.

He doesn't know what to do.

(Makoto would.)

"Makoto," Haruka whispers again, body curling in, arms wrapping around his sides, nose buried in the collar of the t-shirt. "Makoto."

The magnitude of the situation hits Rin like a crashing wave – Makoto is _gone_, and with him went a piece of Haruka, and quite possibly Rin as well. He knew all about the close call they had back in high school, and how every day since had been such a blessing for Haruka, knowing how close Makoto had come to death.

But now he'd finally crossed through the doors, an angel come back home, and Rin can only hope it didn't end painfully for him.

Makoto deserved better.

"Matsuoka Rin?"

The calm voice cuts through his inner turmoil and he turns to the source – the same nurse as before. Somehow, he manages to maintain function of his limbs, and walks over to her almost as if in some sort of dream.

"Yamazaki-san is out of surgery now, but his condition is extremely unstable. He woke up on his own and is demanding to see you… you should probably do so. We… we don't know if he'll make it."

Rin's heart stops for a breathless moment before the organ starts pounding again, each beat a painful reminder that Sousuke's are now numbered. He follows the nurse to the hallway where a team of surgeons in bloody scrubs are wheeling out a gurney, a shock of familiar black hair peeking out.

"Sousuke," he yells, tripping over his legs because he can't get there fast enough, needs to be there _now._ "Sousuke," he repeats, this time a whisper.

"Rin," he hears, and he almost thinks he imagines it, eyelids fluttering open to reveal teal orbs.

"Sousuke," he says, and he wants to smack himself, because where did his entire vocabulary go?

Even at the brink, Sousuke still manages to find the energy to laugh at Rin, a soft chuckle escaping his lips before his face twists in pain (Rin remembers that face, from the very first time he found out about Sousuke's shoulder, and it never fails to gut him.)

"I… I'd hit you right now, Rin, but I can't feel my arms."

Rin sniffles embarrassingly loud, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"You're crying," Sousuke says, "don't. I never liked that look on you, y'know?"

"I can't _not_ cry, you idiot," Rin huffs, and Sousuke smirks again.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault."

Sousuke closes his eyes, and Rin's widen in panic, but the monitors are still steady. He's tense, muscles tighter than they've ever been, fingers gripping the rails of the gurney so hard he's surprised he hasn't bent the metal.

"Remember that promise we made?" Sousuke asks, eyes still closed. "Back in elementary school?"

Despite himself, Rin rolls his eyes. "Yeah, that one you kept trying to use on stupid things like our freakin' high school _relay,_ but you never actually did. I thought you were gonna take that—"

_To your grave_ remains unsaid, but Sousuke seems to know exactly what Rin meant.

"I'm using it now."

This makes Rin's tears begin anew – because they both know this is the end of the line for Sousuke, and this is his last chance to do something.

"Rin, I want you to remember your dream. Always. Always keep swimming forward, okay? Never look back. You're already living it, and you need to keep going."

Sousuke's words are becoming increasingly shaky, and Rin wipes away the tears in his eyes, wanting his last moments of seeing Sousuke alive to be unobscured.

"And always remember I love you, okay?"

"I love you too, you idiot!" Rin's voice cracks, one hand reaching out to stroke the side of Sousuke's face, sharp cheekbones hard under his fingertips, the regal sweep of his nose, his thick eyebrows and dark hair.

Sousuke's eyes open again, his gaze hungry, drinking in all of Rin that he possibly can and Rin knows he's doing exactly the same thing.

He looks into those eyes, those piercing aquamarine eyes, and knows without a single doubt that this will be the last time he ever sees them like this, bright and full of life.

"Good," Sousuke murmurs, eyelids sliding closed, allowing a small smile to grace his stern features.

Something seems to stiffen under Rin's fingers, and Sousuke's chest stops rising.

In an instant, the doctors are ready to try and resuscitate him, paddles on his chest and electricity shooting out, but to no one's surprise, it fails.

They are all silent, save for one doctor who records the official time of death, and Rin turns away, eyes clenched shut.

"My dreams were always with _you,_" he whispers, heard by no one save for his own ears.

Dimly, he remembers that Haruka's still out there alone in the lobby, falling apart for his own lost love, but he can't bring himself to go out there, can't bring himself to face anyone else.

He crouches down against the wall, arms locked around his shins, head buried in his knees. The tears behind his eyes are hot and burning and screaming for release but they refuse to run, content to leave Rin there to hurt.

_Why,_ he wonders, _can I only stop crying when you're not around to tell me to stop?_

* * *

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